Marriage woes: to check the phone or not

“I want you to recover all the WhatsApp messages, SMSs and Facebook chats. My husband is always smiling while chatting on the phone a for a long period of time in the evening. First, he comes home late. Then, he hooks himself on the phone and chats as he smiles. He won’t let me share on the jokes. It is him and the person on the other side. He is growing cold towards me and I need to know what exactly he is up to.”

As a Team Leader at a digital forensic investigations firm, Summit Consulting Ltd, I often get so many people walking into my office with many of such requests. Many marriages are standing on very weak foundations. Marriage killers about. Below I explore the common ones.

Marriage killer 1: couple privacy in a marriage 

The mobile phone is one of the biggest challenge to a modern marriage. Both partners have phones. But no one wants the other to look at their phone. You want to say you love the other person, but you do not trust them with your phone!

Give me a break.

I have listened to so many radio “advisors” how it is bad for marriage couples to allow access to the other’s mobile phone. Surely? What are you hiding?

On the contrary, marrieds should have unlimited access to the other person’s mobile phone unless there is something to hide especially in a Christian marriage where monogamy is the rule. For an Islamic marriage, the wife knows the man is allowed four (4) wives, he has reasons to deny access to his mobile phone to any of his wife or wives. By the same law, any of the wives should allow the husband to access his phone. Partners must study and understand the kind of marriage they enter so that the expectations are clear at inception.

Marriage hint: Share your phone password with your partner only.  Psychologists say that you allow access of your phone to your partner by sharing your password or registering their thumb in your phone helps give the two of you some sort of mutual trust that is critical for long-term success. And come to think of it, successful marriages are built on trust. You break it, the rest is survival but not love.

Killer 2: Different religions

Couples can succeed regardless of their belief. The problem arising when new people – the children, come into the picture. They need the advantage of good upbringing. How do you help them build consistent value system? Traditionally, the children follow the religion of the parent that spend most time with them.

Though considered not so critical, marriages thrive under common beliefs. If the woman is Christian and believes in monogamy. The man is Moslem is believing in Polygamy. The differences in the teachings may cause irreparable differences and lead failure of the marriage.

Some people do not believe in religion. Atheism usually leads to poor parenting as such a family lack anchor value system to hold the children against as they grow.

Children need to be brought up in a value system of sorts. Atheists may luck that. Any religious belief provides the do’s and don’ts. These tend to produce responsible people later in life. Depending on the schools one attends and the country they visit as adults, they are exposed to the environment and are free to change their perspectives to life, religion and marriage. It is better for someone to become an atheist as an adult by choice and not as a child by formation dictated by the parents.

Killer 3: Cold food

Any woman who has had the benefit of a good ssenga knows that the direct ticket to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And they are correct.

Some wives are lazy. They are today’s working class. They have delegated the wife roles to the maid and are not taking time to supervise. The maid mops the bed room, she prepares the meals. She serves the meals. She knows better what the man of house loves to eat. The maid knows what meal turns the man off. The maid can easily cook bad food to expose the woman of the house. Without supervision anything is possible.

As if that is not enough, when the man comes late home from work, it is the maid to wake up and prepare the meals. If the man is not good to her, what she does is not to warm the food – just serve and leave it on the table cold for the man. Because the woman is lazy and probably does not know how to cook, she will just let the man eat cold food.

Also, whenever the man comes home before the working woman, the maid makes the best meal and serves it hot. That way, she scores the points to the man’s heart. And the children will start seeing how the maid looks after them and forget that their mother is critical. That is how family politics happen.

Killer 4: Lack of communication and transparency

This is the biggest killer. You get annoyed by your partner and don’t let them know. You work late and forget to notify your partner. They try to call you, and you press busy but forget to return the call. You arrive home late. The bonds of trust slowly start breaking.

Small things lead to big differences. Before you know it, you are thinking about divorce. Remember, people in a marriage are very vulnerable especially if there is a communication breakdown and no sex between the couples.  To be continued…

I wish you success in your marriage.

Copyright 2019. Mustapha B Mugisa.